School

So strange how quickly your life can change
Not gonna lie, a couple of months ago I was in a really dark place. I'm not gonna sugar coat it with "but it wasn't all bad" because yes, it was all bad, atleast thats how it felt.
But anyway, at the moment things are different and I can't exactly tell why because a lot has changed. I broke up with my boyfriend in the holidays which was surprisingly easy considering it usually takes me awhile to adjust. After i ended it I realised just how much he was holding me back. I felt a lot more free talking to guy friends, going out with friends without him and most of all school - holyyy shit.
I didn't talk about it much but when I moved schools he made me feel quite bad about it, saying we wouldn't see each other nearly as much (because my school was further away and we couldn't catch the bus together anymore). When I first moved I was determined to make it work but when one half of the relationship doesn't really... try, it's definitely not as easy haha.
SO yeah not really sure where I'm going with this, finding it so hard to focus when I'm blasting All Time Low songs through my earphones hahaha
I'm a walking travestyyyyy

Things got worse and in the end we were only seeing each other about once a month - if that. Holidays came around and I was excited to see him, saw him once, enjoyed myself, and then... I don't know what happened after that. Something changed, maybe I had a breakthrough, maybe I got bored, or maybe he changed but who knows.
So it ended at the end of the holidays and things felt so much different at school. For once I felt free and I felt as though this was MY school and that I belonged, i didn't have to hold back anymore because i may have made the wrong decision or something. I know how that i did NOT make the wrong decision, this is a really good school for me and I don't have him to block that view for me.

So present day:
I enjoy being at school and one of my best friends have joint me there too, which makes things even more fun! I have finally settled in and I feel comfortable expressing myself.
I sit in the fields on sunny days, theres a cute guy in my art class and i actually enjoy PE.
Big changes
I'm not one to love changes, but I'm definitely getting used to this

So yes, generally, life is good.
For now :)
Love always xxxx

What now

Haven't posted something in about 2 months, it's all a bit confusing because most of the time I just write in my journal and I forget about my blog.
I really don't know what to say so I'm just going to type up what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.
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I'm really not gonna hold back on the "feelings" front.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I'm having doubts on whether moving schools was even worth it (I moved schools by the way) I feel so incredibly uncomfortable and out of place there it's so fucking horrible
Remembering my old ways and catching the bus kills me. Seeing ***** on the bus was the highlight of my day. And now that's gone. I hate the fact that i'm not based in ********* anymore. It's pretty much impossible to get there after school which feels so restricting. When I moved to *** I thought ok, on fridays I can bus to nm after school. But nope, that has never happened. Mostly because Henry just decides he's tired and busses home without warning
From today, i haven't seen him for 2 weeks. And that's making things really, really bad. Everything is better when we actually see each other in person. So at the moment, things are not good. I feel used, disappointed, unappreciated, lonely, unloved, frustrated and forgotten. He doesn't try anymore. He does a petty job of pretending he cares.
And I'm SO OVER IT. 
Im mad but at the same time i'm so incredibly sad because it feels like it ended before it started.
A few months ago things were going so perfectly. Now, it feels like a nightmare and I'm not even sure if he knows it.
He tells me he really really like me which is so fucking misleading because a lot of the time, i feel like nothing when im talking to him.
At this point i dont know whether i should reach out further to him or withhold myself. Either way i dont feel particularly happy.
I think the reason I feel so depressed at the moment is because i have no direction in my life. I don't know what im doing and i dont know where im going. And i can't picture myself anywhere. I can't picture myself with anyone but ***** but at the same time i have my doubts. I cant picture myself at *** as a senior - I dont know why but it just seems like such an unnatural idea.
And lastly i cant imagine myself when im finished school. It seems like such a long long journey away. Will i go to UNI? will i travel? will i have fufilled my edutcational goals? Will i have a boyfriend? Will I have a friend group? Will i be with sarah? Will i have a good relationship with my family? Will I be happy? 
I absolutely despise school. I think no matter what, I will always hate it. The thought of having to stick it out for another 3 years makes me want to stick needs into my eyes

Yes, this entry is very negative. But its real. I'm not going to potter around pretending im ok when i feel terrible. All my thoughts worry, scare me, or make me feel like crying. I dont feel safe or content at all and i dont know how to create that for myself. Sometimes i have moments of clarity or happiness but they dont last long enough to make a difference. 
which is really disappointing.
This morning I had a nice breakfast with **** and bought a jumper. That was enjoyable but make me miss old times.
I miss sarah like crazy. She might be moving back to NZ next year and go to A**. If i knew that i never would have left. 
PS. I'm on anti-depressants. Fun times.
Bye
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Love always x

(◕‿◕✿)

Haven't posted in quite sometime
I've been sick for the past couple of days which really sucks but i'm feeling a bit better at the moment so I can manage a blog post. I have the flu which makes me suddenly really cold to really hot in a matter of minutes and that's very similar to how my life has been recently.
One day i feel like absolute shit and the next i feel on top of the world! Not really sure why, to be honest I don't think it's normal to have such extreme mood swings but I don't see anyway out as I've been very bad at expressing my feelings recently for some strange reason.
Some highs and lows in the past few months:

• I have an extremely kind guy in my life (I would say boyfriend but we aren't going out), It's practically the same I just tend not to go out with people anymore hahaha
• I haven't seen him for a week which might not seem that long but we've seen each other at least 2-3 times a week for the past 2 months so it's not easy
• School starts soon although I'm not entirely sure when as I have to choose between 2 schools as soon as possible and they start at different times, i'm going to this new school for two days to check it out and see if I like it but i am so terrible at making decisions I doubt two days will be able to make my mind up about where I want to spend the rest of my schooling years at. 
• On the one hand I really want to be at a school where there is less pressure about academic subjects and where I can express my talents but on the other I'm just way too scared to try something new again because last time It didn't go so well.
• I'm sick
• Recently I have been trying to think a bit more positively and be more open towards other people / let them in, hasn't been easy but I guess things will get better soon
• Been clean for over 2 months now 
• I have a lot of holiday homework which i'm not sure if I should complete 
• Hung out with Rebecca last weekend which was really really fun although I miss her already
• My friend's parents don't hate me as much anymore so i am allowed to see her occasionally 
• I watched the Nelson Mandela movie today which was really good! So inspiring
• I haven't eaten very well so far in these holidays which really brings me down and I can notice it on my skin (plus my mum keeps mentioning it -__-) So for the rest of the holidays I'm going to try eat a bit better and get my skin looking relatively nice

And yeah that's about it, typing up my problems really puts them in perspective and allows me to see them a bit more clearly - i recommend it if you feel like your head is going to explode from so many thoughts from time to time! 

Love always xxxxxxxxxxxx

Here's this:

So i'm going to try to go to bed early tonight which means this is going to be quick
GOOD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED LATELY
I finally found a plaid skirt that wasn't too short or loose around the waste! HALLELUJAH!
I got a job doing catering for the next door neighbour PRAISE THE LORD!
Me and my friend got 1000 followers on our instagram JEAN LOUIS!
I finished Gossip Girl (which is not a good thing) BUT I started The Carrie Diaries and despite her slight whiny, exaggerated and too-cute personality - I LOVE IT! - 
I finally took the last step in letting go a terrible person in my life
Im understanding  A LOT in science and it makes me feel so good about myself
I had a break through about being myself!
I realised that having anxiety is normal and not a bad thing
Much more but its officially 10pm which was my goal for sleeping time so hope you all have a lovely sleep/day/afternoon/evening/life 

Love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Possibly the worst day of my life.

So I just watched Julie & Julia and it reminded me to write a blog post. 

As you may know I went on a trip to my best friend's beach house, I was so excited to go, i had everything i needed packed - and a few things I didn't really need - basically I just couldn't wait for a break! 

The first 3 days were so fun, me and Rebecca met so many people that we gradually became friends with I suppose. There was the posse (a group of guys around our age who would ride around the camp site on their bikes - very lame but i must admit, the attention they gave us was flattering), then there was Adam (A friend of Rebecca's sister who seemed really nice... and had amazing abs - I mean what!?), We made names for all the cliques that we saw there, for example, 'Legs', 'The Droppers', 'The folks', and many more. And of course, last but not least, Quinn. Although I am almost certain this isn't his real name I'm going to call him by it anyway. 

Me and Rebecca met him at the wharf one evening while we were finding the courage to jump in (there were sting rays there so it wasn't easy). He came over with about 3 kids and basically he just looked perfect. He didn't look douchey like all the other guys at the camp, he was dressed casually and didn't mind to be seen with his younger sibblings. I would say it was love at first sight but I only started falling inlove with him after he started talking when I realised he was actually really funny. Me and Rebecca were swooning over him - which may sound like the typical problem of 2 friends liking the same guy, but we knew neither of us would ever really have a chance with him. So after jumping into the water with sting rays and grazing our knees on the wharf we went past the posse who talked vaguely about something to do with liking us and then went home to obsess over this amazing sex god who goes by the name of Quinn, we saw him many times after that, i would say by coincidence but I don't think walking by his tent purposely really counts.

Anyway i'm rambling WAY to much about this and losing sight of the point I was trying to make - Basically we were just having a really great time. But then the 4th day happened and I woke up to an immensely sick feeling in my stomach and had to run to the bathroom to puke. This went on for the next 12 hours until I couldn't take it anymore and my mother had to drive about an hour to come pick me up. We then drove back home while i vomited for the 4th time that day. 

Besides puking, the trip home wasn't too bad and after an hour I was back home in my bed - The beach house was great but there really isn't anything better than being reunited home in your own bed when your feeling sick. 

After about 15 minutes I had fallen into a deep sleep, thank god for that. 

Today hasn't been nearly as bad as yesterday, the only thing i'm suffering from is dizziness and a horrible case of missing Quinn...

Anyway I hope you found it enjoyable reading about my misfortunes, I guess I just felt the need to share about it although most of it was me talking about Quinn haha. Hope your all doing well,

Love always xxxxxxx

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful, kind, outgoing, confident, gorgeous, hilarious, thoughtful, smart REBECCA! Love you so much and I can't wait to spend the week with you! xx

On a more serious note, i have realised my posts have been a bit slack lately so I'm going to try post very interesting things and more frequently, especially since school is starting in a very short amount of time :(

Catching up

Before I start this I would like to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! This is my first post of 2014 and i'm so excited for what this year holds and I hope you are too!
Ok so I haven't written in awhile so i suppose I have a lot of catching up to do, plus i'm listening to a meaningful Bon Iver song at 9:36pm so i'm ready to talk about some deep stuff besides chatting to my guy friend about what swag guys do in his 'hood'.
Some things I've learnt in the time I haven't written.
People make such a big deal about sending bra pics, bras are basically just like bikinis so, yeah.
Gossip Girl has made me literally yearn for a perfect, rich life. Yes, like Blairs. Shes so fucking perfect.
All boys are the same, well atleast at this age. I'll elaborate. They all like to brag about how tough they are, how hard their past has been and how they want to 'get' with any 'hot' girl they see.
Truth or dare can be fun on the right terms
No matter how hard you try to deny your feelings, THEY WONT GO AWAY! As much as I hate to admit this it's true. And it sucks.
I've found out that there are actually people out there who I can meet and be friends with other than the people i'm stuck with at school. I've met some really cool people in the last week and i've had the best time!
Getting toxic people out of my life is one of the best things I've ever done
Sometimes you need to create space between people for the better of both of you even if it's hard.
Gee this is all pretty deep.
I feel like I am growing as a person literally every day. But I guess nothing is stopping me from being the same person I was 5 minutes ago.
Also, i read something on tumblr about someone who started relating to themselves as "the best fucking human being on earth" and how much it's made their life better. I know that's probably hard to understand because i've put it in a weird way but i think it's worth a try because you only get one life, so why not fall inlove with yourself in the midst of it all?
Love always xx