What now

Haven't posted something in about 2 months, it's all a bit confusing because most of the time I just write in my journal and I forget about my blog.
I really don't know what to say so I'm just going to type up what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.
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I'm really not gonna hold back on the "feelings" front.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I'm having doubts on whether moving schools was even worth it (I moved schools by the way) I feel so incredibly uncomfortable and out of place there it's so fucking horrible
Remembering my old ways and catching the bus kills me. Seeing ***** on the bus was the highlight of my day. And now that's gone. I hate the fact that i'm not based in ********* anymore. It's pretty much impossible to get there after school which feels so restricting. When I moved to *** I thought ok, on fridays I can bus to nm after school. But nope, that has never happened. Mostly because Henry just decides he's tired and busses home without warning
From today, i haven't seen him for 2 weeks. And that's making things really, really bad. Everything is better when we actually see each other in person. So at the moment, things are not good. I feel used, disappointed, unappreciated, lonely, unloved, frustrated and forgotten. He doesn't try anymore. He does a petty job of pretending he cares.
And I'm SO OVER IT. 
Im mad but at the same time i'm so incredibly sad because it feels like it ended before it started.
A few months ago things were going so perfectly. Now, it feels like a nightmare and I'm not even sure if he knows it.
He tells me he really really like me which is so fucking misleading because a lot of the time, i feel like nothing when im talking to him.
At this point i dont know whether i should reach out further to him or withhold myself. Either way i dont feel particularly happy.
I think the reason I feel so depressed at the moment is because i have no direction in my life. I don't know what im doing and i dont know where im going. And i can't picture myself anywhere. I can't picture myself with anyone but ***** but at the same time i have my doubts. I cant picture myself at *** as a senior - I dont know why but it just seems like such an unnatural idea.
And lastly i cant imagine myself when im finished school. It seems like such a long long journey away. Will i go to UNI? will i travel? will i have fufilled my edutcational goals? Will i have a boyfriend? Will I have a friend group? Will i be with sarah? Will i have a good relationship with my family? Will I be happy? 
I absolutely despise school. I think no matter what, I will always hate it. The thought of having to stick it out for another 3 years makes me want to stick needs into my eyes

Yes, this entry is very negative. But its real. I'm not going to potter around pretending im ok when i feel terrible. All my thoughts worry, scare me, or make me feel like crying. I dont feel safe or content at all and i dont know how to create that for myself. Sometimes i have moments of clarity or happiness but they dont last long enough to make a difference. 
which is really disappointing.
This morning I had a nice breakfast with **** and bought a jumper. That was enjoyable but make me miss old times.
I miss sarah like crazy. She might be moving back to NZ next year and go to A**. If i knew that i never would have left. 
PS. I'm on anti-depressants. Fun times.
Bye
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Love always x