Shit shit shit I haven't posted since the end of January...
Not one post since i started school and i feel like so much has happened, i guess i haven't had time or just haven't really thought about it... Maybe i haven't felt like anything has been worth writing about which is rather sad actually.
Recently i have found i would very much like to be passionate about something.
When i was younger I did all sorts of after school activities like dance, sport and music but at the moment I just do zumba twicea week, which i suppose is pretty good but i must admit it's mostly just so i don't begin to get fat.
I really miss doing dance (properly with a company) and being involved in the shows with the lights and the costumes and makeup. I'm worried if i decide to join again I won't be able to commit like so many other times.
Argh much to think about.
Anyway that is all for now
Love always xx
Thursday, 30 April 2015
Thursday, 22 January 2015
Nearly school
The summer holidays are nearly over and I am NOT looking forward to school!... Sounds like the start of a teen high school movie...
Anyway, i am determined not to start the year feeling like this so here is me changing my perception and stating the things i am excited for when school starts
Anyway, i am determined not to start the year feeling like this so here is me changing my perception and stating the things i am excited for when school starts
- I have a really good graphics teacher
- I'm going to get a bit more exercise walking to and from school
- One of my best friends is coming to my school!
- I'm starting photography which will be really good! I already have a job taking photos for my auntie's business which I am slightly scared about but with some prior knowledge at school it shouldn't be too bad
- I get to do more subjects that I like: Business, graphics and photography
- All my classes are with different people so I can make new friends and meet new people
- I can hang out with my best friend after school / bus to her school!
- I'll be occupied with homework - Less time stuck in my own brain overthinking things!
Love always x
Friday, 9 January 2015
2015 First thoughts
Of course I just realise I need to go to the bathroom when I start a blog post
Also just realised that that was strange of me to state but to delete it would defeat the purpose of a "Ventilation Page"
Anyway, wow, 2015 eh? Haven't written a post since last year! - Sorry, that "joke" is used way too much but I can't not say it, it would break a tradition! And I'm very superstitious.
Although it has only been 8 days, 10 hours and 28 minutes of 2015 as i write this, i feel like I've already learnt a lot, or atleast have found things I could learn this year.
I feel as though I've always been pretty clear what I want in the beginning of a new year, but honestly I'm just making up the resolutions as I go. I might come up with a life changing resolution in July but that's ok - which makes me think of another resolution! Not everything has to be perfect. This sounds pretty impossible and a bit scary to say the least, especially to a perfectionist like myself. Although I do love everything being in order and tidy, it can often drive me CRAZY. So a slight change, which I am going to take slowly is to be more comfortable and accepting of my surroundings and events which take place in my life.
If you are willing to listen, i shall lay down a few more - probably for my benefit only, unless of course you take great interest in other people's resolutions, which isn't uncommon actually.
Also just realised that that was strange of me to state but to delete it would defeat the purpose of a "Ventilation Page"
Anyway, wow, 2015 eh? Haven't written a post since last year! - Sorry, that "joke" is used way too much but I can't not say it, it would break a tradition! And I'm very superstitious.
Although it has only been 8 days, 10 hours and 28 minutes of 2015 as i write this, i feel like I've already learnt a lot, or atleast have found things I could learn this year.
I feel as though I've always been pretty clear what I want in the beginning of a new year, but honestly I'm just making up the resolutions as I go. I might come up with a life changing resolution in July but that's ok - which makes me think of another resolution! Not everything has to be perfect. This sounds pretty impossible and a bit scary to say the least, especially to a perfectionist like myself. Although I do love everything being in order and tidy, it can often drive me CRAZY. So a slight change, which I am going to take slowly is to be more comfortable and accepting of my surroundings and events which take place in my life.
If you are willing to listen, i shall lay down a few more - probably for my benefit only, unless of course you take great interest in other people's resolutions, which isn't uncommon actually.
- To be enough. I know this one is a little cliche BUT it's an obvious problem that i could do without this year - and every year! It would be a relief not to need every other single person's advice, opinion and permission to do something (or not do something), wear something or go somewhere. There doesn't need to be a reason for everything I do and I can do it on my own accord, if that makes any sense at all
- Be slightly more accepting of others. To be honest, i take pride in my ability to see through someone's surface. I usually do my best to get to know someone before, well... I judge them. Which saying now, sounds pretty bad. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others my age buuut compared to most, i am pretty accepting although there is always room for more of that in the world
- This one is slightly similar to the first one and it is not go against my thoughts and feelings, instead be with them and accept them. Let myself enjoy being alone, let myself do stupid things which I see in movies that make myself feel more of an individual, let myself wear pattern on pattern (I know, radical), let myself have my own opinion even if it's again a majority, let myself have little crushes that probably won't lead me anywhere, let myself be unique without making myself feel like i'm trying to be something that I'm not, let myself tell someone how I really feel even if its scary. The list could really go on with this one
- I say this particular one every year and surprisingly I have been taking a little more action with it. It's take opportunities. I had this for year 2014 too and i'm not going to lie, i tried a lot more things last year and had new experiences, some of which i liked and didn't like so much. I really want to encourage myself to carry this one through to this year
- Care a little less about my own appearance. I have unknowingly been taking a stand on this one already! I don't know if its the fact that It's summer and I have been at the beach a lot more and haven't really been worrying about how my skin or hair looks or if its because I get to wear a lot more cute clothes but I hope I can focus on a few more important things rather than worrying if my legs are jiggling when I walk!
So those are a few ones I can think of off the top of my head.
I just watched the movie "Her", I really would like to describe it for you but its currently 10:52pm and I'm far too tired to explain the whole plot. Basically it's definitely one to watch when you feel like thinking. I don't tend to watch these types of movies very often as i'm already pretty good at thinking myself - a lot. In my experience, overthinkers don't do too well with deep movies which slightly altar your whole outlook on life. But I started watching the start with my parents while we ate dinner and it was way too hooking to move away.
Oh shit "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap just came on my playlist, that's bound to add to the deepness of my mood.
It is a very strange movie and this is going to sound crazy but it made me uncomfortable in a good way. The thoughts and feelings Theodore (The main character) had were so similar to some of my own that it felt like the movie was directed at me - no I am not delusional that is just how I felt in the moment.
I picked up on a few things that really stuck with me
The first was that the past is just a story we tell ourselves. I'm quite used to this way of thinking as i've done a forum twice about... life... which focuses on this idea which i bring into my own experiences often but it was cool to hear it in a movie, it made me feel like i'm not completely insane. Basically we make up an idea of what happened in the past, which is really just added meaning to the literal event which happened.
If that made no sense at all heres an example,
when i was three me and my family went to fiji for a vacation. Me and my sister were playing on one of the playground at the plantation, with my parent's watching over us close by as far as i knew. When i looked over to see them, they weren't there. To a three year old, the obvious response was: I have been abandoned. They have left me. I am not wanted. The reality was they were a couple of meters away looking at a vegetable garden with one of the locals. But to this day I still think back to that experience and get a slight sting of abandonment. Just goes to show how the mind can altar what actually happened in a past event.
The next part of the movie stuck with me, also. Theodore says something like "Sometimes I think i've felt everything there is to be felt already in my life and everything in the future won't feel new or not as strong". I guess this effected me because I occasionally have these thoughts too. Like... there is nothing left to feel. I get really excited about something or have an amazing day and think, wow this is it, I'm probably never going to feel this feeling again I should make the most of it. Or even worse, I have a completely terrible and shit day and think that it's the worst i'm ever going to have - when in reality, i am most likely going to have many more shit days in my life. I don't know, maybe that sounds obvious to other people.
But yeah, those are some 2015 First thoughts. Stay tuned this year for more entirely strange nonsense which my mind comes up with.
Love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday, 12 December 2014
Paleo Diet
Feels a bit weird writing about this
Two reasons
I've never thought of myself as someone who shares their diets and healthy eating as i am NEVER consistent with them and i haven't found the topic very interesting in the past.
and
My mother asked me to write updates on how this diet is going so she can use it for her naturopath clinic to inspire other teens (which completely scared me hence why i'm writing it on here and not some word document which she will most likely print out).
I guess I should sort of thank her though, if she had never mentioned the idea i most likely would not be writing about this.
Anyway, i'm trying out the Paleo Diet, if you haven't heard of it (which wouldn't be surprising) it is a nutrition diet where you avoid main foods such as wheat, starch, rice, sugar, dairy and much more.
Yes it is one of those diets where you question what you are actually going to eat for meals.
Thankfully, as i mentioned before, my mother is a naturopath - or nutritionist as i commonly call it so people know what the fuck i'm talking about. So she's been helping me with meals and snacks so that i don't starve because after all this is the paleo diet not the starvation diet.
Might be a good idea to mention why i'm doing this diet. The Paleo diet is probably one of the most biggest trending diets around the world, geez i make it sound like a video gone viral but yeah it's quite well known. People do it for weight, general health, prevention of cancer and skin. For me, it's general health but mostly skin. It has come to my attention that some of the foods i eat really effect my skin and i had to hit rock bottom to realise that and actually take some action.
At the back of my mind i've always sort of known why my skin is not as clear as others (said that in the nicest way possible) but the thought of never enjoying another custard pie again was too overwhelming so i never did anything about it. So far i have already noticed a difference in my skin from being on the diet for just five days - which is pretty amazing to me.
Yes, going out with friends and taking part in fun events is slightly harder when there is absolutely nothing you can eat outside your home fridge but if it means my skin is even slightly better than it was, it's worth it.
Anyway I thought i would just talk about that today as it's one of the main things going on.
I'm finally on holidays! I feel so much more relaxed
Onto new girl woo
Love always xxxx
Two reasons
I've never thought of myself as someone who shares their diets and healthy eating as i am NEVER consistent with them and i haven't found the topic very interesting in the past.
and
My mother asked me to write updates on how this diet is going so she can use it for her naturopath clinic to inspire other teens (which completely scared me hence why i'm writing it on here and not some word document which she will most likely print out).
I guess I should sort of thank her though, if she had never mentioned the idea i most likely would not be writing about this.
Anyway, i'm trying out the Paleo Diet, if you haven't heard of it (which wouldn't be surprising) it is a nutrition diet where you avoid main foods such as wheat, starch, rice, sugar, dairy and much more.
Yes it is one of those diets where you question what you are actually going to eat for meals.
Thankfully, as i mentioned before, my mother is a naturopath - or nutritionist as i commonly call it so people know what the fuck i'm talking about. So she's been helping me with meals and snacks so that i don't starve because after all this is the paleo diet not the starvation diet.
Might be a good idea to mention why i'm doing this diet. The Paleo diet is probably one of the most biggest trending diets around the world, geez i make it sound like a video gone viral but yeah it's quite well known. People do it for weight, general health, prevention of cancer and skin. For me, it's general health but mostly skin. It has come to my attention that some of the foods i eat really effect my skin and i had to hit rock bottom to realise that and actually take some action.
At the back of my mind i've always sort of known why my skin is not as clear as others (said that in the nicest way possible) but the thought of never enjoying another custard pie again was too overwhelming so i never did anything about it. So far i have already noticed a difference in my skin from being on the diet for just five days - which is pretty amazing to me.
Yes, going out with friends and taking part in fun events is slightly harder when there is absolutely nothing you can eat outside your home fridge but if it means my skin is even slightly better than it was, it's worth it.
Anyway I thought i would just talk about that today as it's one of the main things going on.
I'm finally on holidays! I feel so much more relaxed
Onto new girl woo
Love always xxxx
Monday, 1 December 2014
Coming up
I feel like so much is happening at the moment yet nothing is happening at all.
At the moment, it's a tuesday and i'm home from school because i felt slightly sick this morning and i feel like everyone should have a day off once in awhile (much to my dad's disgust). So far today I have watched two episodes of new girl, bet my high score on Crossy Road and cleaned up my cats vomit. You could say i'm living life on the edge.
Anyway, although I feel as though I'm waiting for my life to get interesting and for things to happen, a lot is happening, maybe not right now as i sit at my desk in my pajamas, but in general!
I just finished my end of year exams which i did surprisingly well in considering I moved schools half way through the year and didn't study a whole lot.
I'm about to hand in my last graphics assignment of the year which included 28 pages of solid hard work, sweat and tears. Well not really- just trying to make the process sound a bit more difficult although I did spend a whole Sunday slaving away at multiple pages of A3 paper (with occasional tea and New Girl breaks of course).
I have a bit over a week of school till the end-of-year holidays start, which i can't wait for judging by the fact i stayed at home instead of pushing through the last few days of school. I'm determined to make these holidays count by taking opportunities, meeting new people, trying new things and going crazy - which shouldn't be too difficult for me.
Speaking of which, my best friend is moving back from Sydney to live here and I am soo incredibly excited! Yes, it's "easier to stay in touch with people overseas nowadays" as my mum says but a skype call from time to time is not enough considering we used to spend most days together IN PERSON. So yes, I am looking forward to that a lot.
Sadly the opposite is also happening and my good friend is moving to America to live, weird scenario and I am very unhappy about it but i suppose i should be grateful that both of them aren't going to be living in separate countries to me.
Obviously it is december - and i realised i probably should of made this post yesterday as it was the 1st but i was far too busy doing last minute touches on my assignment. Anywho, december holds a very exciting day which makes spending large amounts of my baby sitting money worth it. The anticipation for christmas is killinggg me! I can't wait to hang with the fam, watch them open my presents (I know many people hate being watched but i'm always so eager to find out if they like it - oops), open presents of my own and of course, eat. The food at christmas is ALWAYS the best from mum's home made chicken to cheese cake. That sounded very CHEESY. (ntp - sorry that was terrible hahaha)
Many birthdays are coming up too, including mine, my best friend's, my cousin's (JOSHY) and my sister! Not too sure if i'm going to have a birthday party this year, recently it's come to my attention that i prefer spending time with my family far more than girls my age (unless it's Sarah). I'm thinking of writing a rant - i mean vent - about this actually because i don't think i have quite let out my frustration towards conversation and gossip which is the most common way teenage girls communicate and bond.
Sorry about the tangent - anyway, I'm thinking of spending my birthday at the beach with a couple of friends or having a lunch with my family (I'm still making my mind up about it though)
Shit, almost skipped one of the best things to come! NEW YEARS! I have to admit, New Years hasn't always been a day of the year I've been passionate about, when i was younger the fire works were about as much excitement as it got. But since new years last/this year(?), i've realised what an amazing time it is, I mean it's literally flipping onto another year, am i the only one that this completely stuns? Probably. The point it I'm really excited to spend it at my best friend's batch and celebrate the momentous day with her, yet again! If it's anything like last year when we lay on the beach listening to Coldplay and looking up at the stars, i'm sure i will more than enjoy it.
Although all these things sound completely amazing, there's one thing which I can't get off my mind, and thats Piha. At the beginning of the year, the days i spent there had to be some of the best in my life. I think it was a mix of the weather, people, beach and food which made every day better than the last - so you might be able to understand my excitement.
So i figured it was about time I let all that anticipation out (of course i still think of the days that are yet to come 24/7 but I think it's good to talk about it so that I don't annoy everyone with my constant comments of christmas and new years although I reckon they should be just as excited as i am). Plus it's a bit hard to bond over the excitement of it all as my friend which i spend most of my time with doesn't celebrate christmas (I know).
If you read all of this, well done - it probably shows you are just as excited as I am.
My cat keeps twitching so i guess I should end this massive essay here.
Love always xxxxx
At the moment, it's a tuesday and i'm home from school because i felt slightly sick this morning and i feel like everyone should have a day off once in awhile (much to my dad's disgust). So far today I have watched two episodes of new girl, bet my high score on Crossy Road and cleaned up my cats vomit. You could say i'm living life on the edge.
Anyway, although I feel as though I'm waiting for my life to get interesting and for things to happen, a lot is happening, maybe not right now as i sit at my desk in my pajamas, but in general!
I just finished my end of year exams which i did surprisingly well in considering I moved schools half way through the year and didn't study a whole lot.
I'm about to hand in my last graphics assignment of the year which included 28 pages of solid hard work, sweat and tears. Well not really- just trying to make the process sound a bit more difficult although I did spend a whole Sunday slaving away at multiple pages of A3 paper (with occasional tea and New Girl breaks of course).
I have a bit over a week of school till the end-of-year holidays start, which i can't wait for judging by the fact i stayed at home instead of pushing through the last few days of school. I'm determined to make these holidays count by taking opportunities, meeting new people, trying new things and going crazy - which shouldn't be too difficult for me.
Speaking of which, my best friend is moving back from Sydney to live here and I am soo incredibly excited! Yes, it's "easier to stay in touch with people overseas nowadays" as my mum says but a skype call from time to time is not enough considering we used to spend most days together IN PERSON. So yes, I am looking forward to that a lot.
Sadly the opposite is also happening and my good friend is moving to America to live, weird scenario and I am very unhappy about it but i suppose i should be grateful that both of them aren't going to be living in separate countries to me.
Obviously it is december - and i realised i probably should of made this post yesterday as it was the 1st but i was far too busy doing last minute touches on my assignment. Anywho, december holds a very exciting day which makes spending large amounts of my baby sitting money worth it. The anticipation for christmas is killinggg me! I can't wait to hang with the fam, watch them open my presents (I know many people hate being watched but i'm always so eager to find out if they like it - oops), open presents of my own and of course, eat. The food at christmas is ALWAYS the best from mum's home made chicken to cheese cake. That sounded very CHEESY. (ntp - sorry that was terrible hahaha)
Many birthdays are coming up too, including mine, my best friend's, my cousin's (JOSHY) and my sister! Not too sure if i'm going to have a birthday party this year, recently it's come to my attention that i prefer spending time with my family far more than girls my age (unless it's Sarah). I'm thinking of writing a rant - i mean vent - about this actually because i don't think i have quite let out my frustration towards conversation and gossip which is the most common way teenage girls communicate and bond.
Sorry about the tangent - anyway, I'm thinking of spending my birthday at the beach with a couple of friends or having a lunch with my family (I'm still making my mind up about it though)
Shit, almost skipped one of the best things to come! NEW YEARS! I have to admit, New Years hasn't always been a day of the year I've been passionate about, when i was younger the fire works were about as much excitement as it got. But since new years last/this year(?), i've realised what an amazing time it is, I mean it's literally flipping onto another year, am i the only one that this completely stuns? Probably. The point it I'm really excited to spend it at my best friend's batch and celebrate the momentous day with her, yet again! If it's anything like last year when we lay on the beach listening to Coldplay and looking up at the stars, i'm sure i will more than enjoy it.
Although all these things sound completely amazing, there's one thing which I can't get off my mind, and thats Piha. At the beginning of the year, the days i spent there had to be some of the best in my life. I think it was a mix of the weather, people, beach and food which made every day better than the last - so you might be able to understand my excitement.
So i figured it was about time I let all that anticipation out (of course i still think of the days that are yet to come 24/7 but I think it's good to talk about it so that I don't annoy everyone with my constant comments of christmas and new years although I reckon they should be just as excited as i am). Plus it's a bit hard to bond over the excitement of it all as my friend which i spend most of my time with doesn't celebrate christmas (I know).
If you read all of this, well done - it probably shows you are just as excited as I am.
My cat keeps twitching so i guess I should end this massive essay here.
Love always xxxxx
Monday, 3 November 2014
School
So strange how quickly your life can change
Not gonna lie, a couple of months ago I was in a really dark place. I'm not gonna sugar coat it with "but it wasn't all bad" because yes, it was all bad, atleast thats how it felt.
But anyway, at the moment things are different and I can't exactly tell why because a lot has changed. I broke up with my boyfriend in the holidays which was surprisingly easy considering it usually takes me awhile to adjust. After i ended it I realised just how much he was holding me back. I felt a lot more free talking to guy friends, going out with friends without him and most of all school - holyyy shit.
I didn't talk about it much but when I moved schools he made me feel quite bad about it, saying we wouldn't see each other nearly as much (because my school was further away and we couldn't catch the bus together anymore). When I first moved I was determined to make it work but when one half of the relationship doesn't really... try, it's definitely not as easy haha.
SO yeah not really sure where I'm going with this, finding it so hard to focus when I'm blasting All Time Low songs through my earphones hahaha
I'm a walking travestyyyyy
Things got worse and in the end we were only seeing each other about once a month - if that. Holidays came around and I was excited to see him, saw him once, enjoyed myself, and then... I don't know what happened after that. Something changed, maybe I had a breakthrough, maybe I got bored, or maybe he changed but who knows.
So it ended at the end of the holidays and things felt so much different at school. For once I felt free and I felt as though this was MY school and that I belonged, i didn't have to hold back anymore because i may have made the wrong decision or something. I know how that i did NOT make the wrong decision, this is a really good school for me and I don't have him to block that view for me.
So present day:
I enjoy being at school and one of my best friends have joint me there too, which makes things even more fun! I have finally settled in and I feel comfortable expressing myself.
I sit in the fields on sunny days, theres a cute guy in my art class and i actually enjoy PE.
Big changes
I'm not one to love changes, but I'm definitely getting used to this
So yes, generally, life is good.
For now :)
Love always xxxx
Not gonna lie, a couple of months ago I was in a really dark place. I'm not gonna sugar coat it with "but it wasn't all bad" because yes, it was all bad, atleast thats how it felt.
But anyway, at the moment things are different and I can't exactly tell why because a lot has changed. I broke up with my boyfriend in the holidays which was surprisingly easy considering it usually takes me awhile to adjust. After i ended it I realised just how much he was holding me back. I felt a lot more free talking to guy friends, going out with friends without him and most of all school - holyyy shit.
I didn't talk about it much but when I moved schools he made me feel quite bad about it, saying we wouldn't see each other nearly as much (because my school was further away and we couldn't catch the bus together anymore). When I first moved I was determined to make it work but when one half of the relationship doesn't really... try, it's definitely not as easy haha.
SO yeah not really sure where I'm going with this, finding it so hard to focus when I'm blasting All Time Low songs through my earphones hahaha
I'm a walking travestyyyyy
Things got worse and in the end we were only seeing each other about once a month - if that. Holidays came around and I was excited to see him, saw him once, enjoyed myself, and then... I don't know what happened after that. Something changed, maybe I had a breakthrough, maybe I got bored, or maybe he changed but who knows.
So it ended at the end of the holidays and things felt so much different at school. For once I felt free and I felt as though this was MY school and that I belonged, i didn't have to hold back anymore because i may have made the wrong decision or something. I know how that i did NOT make the wrong decision, this is a really good school for me and I don't have him to block that view for me.
So present day:
I enjoy being at school and one of my best friends have joint me there too, which makes things even more fun! I have finally settled in and I feel comfortable expressing myself.
I sit in the fields on sunny days, theres a cute guy in my art class and i actually enjoy PE.
Big changes
I'm not one to love changes, but I'm definitely getting used to this
So yes, generally, life is good.
For now :)
Love always xxxx
Saturday, 13 September 2014
What now
Haven't posted something in about 2 months, it's all a bit confusing because most of the time I just write in my journal and I forget about my blog.
I really don't know what to say so I'm just going to type up what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.
--
I'm really not gonna hold back on the "feelings" front.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I'm having doubts on whether moving schools was even worth it (I moved schools by the way) I feel so incredibly uncomfortable and out of place there it's so fucking horrible
Remembering my old ways and catching the bus kills me. Seeing ***** on the bus was the highlight of my day. And now that's gone. I hate the fact that i'm not based in ********* anymore. It's pretty much impossible to get there after school which feels so restricting. When I moved to *** I thought ok, on fridays I can bus to nm after school. But nope, that has never happened. Mostly because Henry just decides he's tired and busses home without warning
From today, i haven't seen him for 2 weeks. And that's making things really, really bad. Everything is better when we actually see each other in person. So at the moment, things are not good. I feel used, disappointed, unappreciated, lonely, unloved, frustrated and forgotten. He doesn't try anymore. He does a petty job of pretending he cares.
And I'm SO OVER IT.
Im mad but at the same time i'm so incredibly sad because it feels like it ended before it started.
A few months ago things were going so perfectly. Now, it feels like a nightmare and I'm not even sure if he knows it.
He tells me he really really like me which is so fucking misleading because a lot of the time, i feel like nothing when im talking to him.
At this point i dont know whether i should reach out further to him or withhold myself. Either way i dont feel particularly happy.
I think the reason I feel so depressed at the moment is because i have no direction in my life. I don't know what im doing and i dont know where im going. And i can't picture myself anywhere. I can't picture myself with anyone but ***** but at the same time i have my doubts. I cant picture myself at *** as a senior - I dont know why but it just seems like such an unnatural idea.
And lastly i cant imagine myself when im finished school. It seems like such a long long journey away. Will i go to UNI? will i travel? will i have fufilled my edutcational goals? Will i have a boyfriend? Will I have a friend group? Will i be with sarah? Will i have a good relationship with my family? Will I be happy?
I absolutely despise school. I think no matter what, I will always hate it. The thought of having to stick it out for another 3 years makes me want to stick needs into my eyes
Yes, this entry is very negative. But its real. I'm not going to potter around pretending im ok when i feel terrible. All my thoughts worry, scare me, or make me feel like crying. I dont feel safe or content at all and i dont know how to create that for myself. Sometimes i have moments of clarity or happiness but they dont last long enough to make a difference.
which is really disappointing.
This morning I had a nice breakfast with **** and bought a jumper. That was enjoyable but make me miss old times.
I miss sarah like crazy. She might be moving back to NZ next year and go to A**. If i knew that i never would have left.
PS. I'm on anti-depressants. Fun times.
Bye
--
Love always x
I really don't know what to say so I'm just going to type up what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago.
--
I'm really not gonna hold back on the "feelings" front.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I'm having doubts on whether moving schools was even worth it (I moved schools by the way) I feel so incredibly uncomfortable and out of place there it's so fucking horrible
Remembering my old ways and catching the bus kills me. Seeing ***** on the bus was the highlight of my day. And now that's gone. I hate the fact that i'm not based in ********* anymore. It's pretty much impossible to get there after school which feels so restricting. When I moved to *** I thought ok, on fridays I can bus to nm after school. But nope, that has never happened. Mostly because Henry just decides he's tired and busses home without warning
From today, i haven't seen him for 2 weeks. And that's making things really, really bad. Everything is better when we actually see each other in person. So at the moment, things are not good. I feel used, disappointed, unappreciated, lonely, unloved, frustrated and forgotten. He doesn't try anymore. He does a petty job of pretending he cares.
And I'm SO OVER IT.
Im mad but at the same time i'm so incredibly sad because it feels like it ended before it started.
A few months ago things were going so perfectly. Now, it feels like a nightmare and I'm not even sure if he knows it.
He tells me he really really like me which is so fucking misleading because a lot of the time, i feel like nothing when im talking to him.
At this point i dont know whether i should reach out further to him or withhold myself. Either way i dont feel particularly happy.
I think the reason I feel so depressed at the moment is because i have no direction in my life. I don't know what im doing and i dont know where im going. And i can't picture myself anywhere. I can't picture myself with anyone but ***** but at the same time i have my doubts. I cant picture myself at *** as a senior - I dont know why but it just seems like such an unnatural idea.
And lastly i cant imagine myself when im finished school. It seems like such a long long journey away. Will i go to UNI? will i travel? will i have fufilled my edutcational goals? Will i have a boyfriend? Will I have a friend group? Will i be with sarah? Will i have a good relationship with my family? Will I be happy?
I absolutely despise school. I think no matter what, I will always hate it. The thought of having to stick it out for another 3 years makes me want to stick needs into my eyes
Yes, this entry is very negative. But its real. I'm not going to potter around pretending im ok when i feel terrible. All my thoughts worry, scare me, or make me feel like crying. I dont feel safe or content at all and i dont know how to create that for myself. Sometimes i have moments of clarity or happiness but they dont last long enough to make a difference.
which is really disappointing.
This morning I had a nice breakfast with **** and bought a jumper. That was enjoyable but make me miss old times.
I miss sarah like crazy. She might be moving back to NZ next year and go to A**. If i knew that i never would have left.
PS. I'm on anti-depressants. Fun times.
Bye
--
Love always x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)