1/4 through the year

Shit shit shit I haven't posted since the end of January...
Not one post since i started school and i feel like so much has happened, i guess i haven't had time or just haven't really thought about it... Maybe i haven't felt like anything has been worth writing about which is rather sad actually.

Recently i have found i would very much like to be passionate about something.
When i was younger I did all sorts of after school activities like dance, sport and music but at the moment I just do zumba twicea week, which i suppose is pretty good but i must admit it's mostly just so i don't begin to get fat.
I really miss doing dance (properly with a company) and being involved in the shows with the lights and the costumes and makeup. I'm worried if i decide to join again I won't be able to commit like so many other times.
Argh much to think about.
Anyway that is all for now
Love always xx

Nearly school

The summer holidays are nearly over and I am NOT looking forward to school!... Sounds like the start of a teen high school movie...
Anyway, i am determined not to start the year feeling like this so here is me changing my perception and stating the things i am excited for when school starts

• I have a really good graphics teacher
• I'm going to get a bit more exercise walking to and from school
• One of my best friends is coming to my school!
• I'm starting photography which will be really good! I already have a job taking photos for my auntie's business which I am slightly scared about but with some prior knowledge at school it shouldn't be too bad
• I get to do more subjects that I like: Business, graphics and photography
• All my classes are with different people so I can make new friends and meet new people
• I can hang out with my best friend after school / bus to her school!
• I'll be occupied with homework - Less time stuck in my own brain overthinking things!

Love always x

2015 First thoughts

Of course I just realise I need to go to the bathroom when I start a blog post

Also just realised that that was strange of me to state but to delete it would defeat the purpose of a "Ventilation Page"
Anyway, wow, 2015 eh? Haven't written a post since last year! - Sorry, that "joke" is used way too much but I can't not say it, it would break a tradition! And I'm very superstitious.

Although it has only been 8 days, 10 hours and 28 minutes of 2015 as i write this, i feel like I've already learnt a lot, or atleast have found things I could learn this year.
I feel as though I've always been pretty clear what I want in the beginning of a new year, but honestly I'm just making up the resolutions as I go. I might come up with a life changing resolution in July but that's ok - which makes me think of another resolution! Not everything has to be perfect. This sounds pretty impossible and a bit scary to say the least, especially to a perfectionist like myself. Although I do love everything being in order and tidy, it can often drive me CRAZY. So a slight change, which I am going to take slowly is to be more comfortable and accepting of my surroundings and events which take place in my life.

If you are willing to listen, i shall lay down a few more - probably for my benefit only, unless of course you take great interest in other people's resolutions, which isn't uncommon actually.

• To be enough. I know this one is a little cliche BUT it's an obvious problem that i could do without this year - and every year! It would be a relief not to need every other single person's advice, opinion and permission to do something (or not do something), wear something or go somewhere. There doesn't need to be a reason for everything I do and I can do it on my own accord, if that makes any sense at all
• Be slightly more accepting of others. To be honest, i take pride in my ability to see through someone's surface. I usually do my best to get to know someone before, well... I judge them. Which saying now, sounds pretty bad. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others my age buuut compared to most, i am pretty accepting although there is always room for more of that in the world
• This one is slightly similar to the first one and it is not go against my thoughts and feelings, instead be with them and accept them. Let myself enjoy being alone, let myself do stupid things which I see in movies that make myself feel more of an individual, let myself wear pattern on pattern (I know, radical), let myself have my own opinion even if it's again a majority, let myself have little crushes that probably won't lead me anywhere, let myself be unique without making myself feel like i'm trying to be something that I'm not, let myself tell someone how I really feel even if its scary. The list could really go on with this one
• I say this particular one every year and surprisingly I have been taking a little more action with it. It's take opportunities. I had this for year 2014 too and i'm not going to lie, i tried a lot more things last year and had new experiences, some of which i liked and didn't like so much. I really want to encourage myself to carry this one through to this year
• Care a little less about my own appearance. I have unknowingly been taking a stand on this one already! I don't know if its the fact that It's summer and I have been at the beach a lot more and haven't really been worrying about how my skin or hair looks or if its because I get to wear a lot more cute clothes but I hope I can focus on a few more important things rather than worrying if my legs are jiggling when I walk!

So those are a few ones I can think of off the top of my head.

I just watched the movie "Her", I really would like to describe it for you but its currently 10:52pm and I'm far too tired to explain the whole plot. Basically it's definitely one to watch when you feel like thinking. I don't tend to watch these types of movies very often as i'm already pretty good at thinking myself - a lot. In my experience, overthinkers don't do too well with deep movies which slightly altar your whole outlook on life. But I started watching the start with my parents while we ate dinner and it was way too hooking to move away.

Oh shit "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap just came on my playlist, that's bound to add to the deepness of my mood.

It is a very strange movie and this is going to sound crazy but it made me uncomfortable in a good way. The thoughts and feelings Theodore (The main character) had were so similar to some of my own that it felt like the movie was directed at me -  no I am not delusional that is just how I felt in the moment. 

I picked up on a few things that really stuck with me

The first was that the past is just a story we tell ourselves. I'm quite used to this way of thinking as i've done a forum twice about... life... which focuses on this idea which i bring into my own experiences often but it was cool to hear it in a movie, it made me feel like i'm not completely insane. Basically we make up an idea of what happened in the past, which is really just added meaning to the literal event which happened.

If that made no sense at all heres an example,

when i was three me and my family went to fiji for a vacation. Me and my sister were playing on one of the playground at the plantation, with my parent's watching over us close by as far as i knew. When i looked over to see them, they weren't there. To a three year old, the obvious response was: I have been abandoned. They have left me. I am not wanted. The reality was they were a couple of meters away looking at a vegetable garden with one of the locals. But to this day I still think back to that experience and get a slight sting of abandonment. Just goes to show how the mind can altar what actually happened in a past event.

The next part of the movie stuck with me, also. Theodore says something like "Sometimes I think i've felt everything there is to be felt already in my life and everything in the future won't feel new or not as strong". I guess this effected me because I occasionally have these thoughts too. Like... there is nothing left to feel. I get really excited about something or have an amazing day and think, wow this is it, I'm probably never going to feel this feeling again I should make the most of it. Or even worse, I have a completely terrible and shit day and think that it's the worst i'm ever going to have - when in reality, i am most likely going to have many more shit days in my life. I don't know, maybe that sounds obvious to other people.

But yeah, those are some 2015 First thoughts. Stay tuned this year for more entirely strange nonsense which my mind comes up with. 

Love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxx